November 14, 2019

Thankful Thursday: Finding Peace

Holy smokes! I'm not even sure where to begin with being thankful right now. My mind is....blown. I had an entire list of things to share in mind, but one little thing changed that. So, I'm still linking up with Rebecca Jo for Thankful Thursday but I just have that one thing to share.

I got a letter from my biological father today. It's kind of a big, freaking deal. If you've been around to follow the story, you know that I never knew him or even anything about him until just about one year ago. That's when my son got the results of his Ancestry.com DNA test and the names of 2 Ancestry members that were his genetic first cousins. I took the name to my mom and after 54 years she finally told me the name of my father and what little she knew about him. My son asked if I wanted him to contact the cousins whose names he was given. I said no, because I didn't know what they knew or if they knew anything. I didn't want to mess up their lives or family. I figured we'd deal with it if they ever contacted him.

Fast forward to the beginning of August. My mom came to the house one afternoon and handed me a letter she had just received. It was from a woman who said she was the daughter of my father and she and my brothers had just found out about my existence a couple of months before that. They had been digging around on the internet ever since trying to find me. They contacted Mom because they didn't know what or if I knew. (Like minds?)

Mom and I called my sister on our birthday in August and talked to her for about 10 minutes. A few weeks later I wrote a letter. We've been writing ever since. We met for lunch last month when she was on her way to see our father. She told me she had given my address to our father.....so I knew it was possible I'd hear from him some day.

I just wasn't expecting it to be today.

He stated more than once that it was the most difficult letter he'd ever written. Other than it being to me, I can't see what was so hard. The first page was about family health history. The second page was all about his childhood, teen years, college years, and all his exploits. He finally got to "somehow" meeting my mom and claimed that while he'd dated "lots" of ladies from high school on, my mom was his first intimate relationship. He said he was "too callous to recognize" my mom's "potential." He broke up with her before they knew about the pregnancy. 

He ended the letter by saying that he's felt bad about it ever since and regretted any hardship I'd endured because of him. Oh, and P.S...If I want to meet face to face we can...when he gets back to this state in May of next year. He's 81 and has a pacemaker.

Anyway, what I'm thankful about is that after 55 years I read this letter and felt NOTHING. He came across as self-centered even now. Not once did he ask anything about me or my family. Nor did he say he wanted to meet me. He just said he would do it if I wanted to. It obviously doesn't matter either way to him.

I am finally free. He doesn't hold the power to hurt me any longer and for that I am very, very thankful.

* By the way, I do plan to see him when he comes back. I'm not terribly interested, but I don't want to have any regrets or be haunted by "what-ifs." 

13 comments:

  1. OH WOWWWWW.... I cant even begin to imagine how this all feels.
    Just to be the voice of the other side... maybe he's waiting to ask about you when you mean. Maybe he felt like he needed to tell you who he was first... just trying to give him a little bit of grace in this. I'm sure its things like this where its hard to give any... but I'm super proud of you for even considering meeting him in the future. & even more in awe of how strong you are that you didnt let this break you or shatter you in anyways. To be like, "Alright - he exists - I'll meet him" - with a calm emotion & knowing that your life is good with people who love you - good enough! What a journey you have already been on - its seemed to have gone so fast, hasn't it? We'll continue to keep the prayers lifted as this journey looks like its going to continue for awhile.

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    1. That's possible, but my sister did warn me that he's rather self-centered. Who tells you their IQ by way of introduction???

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  2. Wow!! You have been waiting for this and here it is! I am happy for you to have this behind you and to know you are okay with it. I also know you will keep us in the loop as you travel this road! Hugs!! And wow, again!

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    1. I will, Terri. I'm sharing the journey with quite a few people as I'm hoping it will help someone else. This finding of unknown family is becoming a big thing thanks to cheap, easy DNA tests.

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  3. Goosebumps … and damp eyeballs, too! I'm so happy you're able to start fitting the puzzle pieces together; and best of all, arrive at a peaceful state of mind.
    PS - I hope your mom's OK with this latest development. (Sending hugs her way!)

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    1. For now I've decided not to tell Mom about his letter. I may in the future, but we'll have to see how that goes. I'm pretty sure I will not ever tell her if I meet him. She keeps saying my meeting my siblings and finding out about my father has nothing to do with her, that I am free to do what I want. She's right about that, but her voice and other words speak loudly that she isn't cool with this at all, but wants me to think she is. Where my father is concerned she is still very, very bitter after all these years.

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  4. Stacy, your story is like a couple of genealogy books I have recently read. Those DNA tests often open up a can of worms!

    My question is this, did you know all your life that the dad who raised you was not your biological dad? Or did you think up until that DNA test of your son's that the man you called Dad was, indeed, your Dad. That is why has happened in so many books I've read.

    I'm glad you have peace. You are handling this much better than I think I would.

    Love,
    Patti

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    1. Patti, I knew from the time I was 10 years old that the dad who raised me was not my biological father, but it was still an unspoken of subject in my family and Mom absolutely refused to tell me anything at all about my biological father or the circumstances of my birth. So I knew he was probably out there somewhere and at some point it registered with me that I could possibly have siblings. With not knowing anything, I had a weird fear when my son went off to college that he would end up dating a first cousin or something.

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  5. Met my birth father and the saga began! Prayers!!!

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    1. I have heard many similar stories. I doubt my father and I will ever be any real part of each other's lives beyond meeting. I honestly have zero interest in that. I do hope to continue the relationship with my sister and I hope to meet my brothers one day.

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  6. My girls met both of their biological parents and had relationships with them. Both parents have since passed away. I was not necessarily pleased by the meeting and relationship but they were glad they did it and that’s all that really matters.

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