What a Tangled Mess We Weave

This post may be a bit of a rambling mess. Something huge (in my life) happened yesterday and I am still trying to process it. I really don't know how I feel. After 54 years...I finally know the name of my biological father.

I wasn't always aware that my dad wasn't my father. I found out when I was 10 that he had adopted me when he married Mom. It's always been a taboo subject and Mom has refused to name my father or tell me anything about him. I thought she might tell me about him after Dad died, but she held tight to her secrets.

Enter my son's interest in all those DNA tests that are available. He and his wife have done more than one. The latest was the Ancestry.com one. The one that promises to send you names of those genetically related to you. He recently was given two names, both shared a surname and Ancestry said they were his genetic first cousins...that only happens when you share a grandparent. We didn't think my father-in-law had ever cheated on my mother-in-law so that made it probable, if the tests were accurate, that the link came from my missing in action father.

Afraid that my son might blindside Mom, I broached the subject yesterday. I just asked if the surname my son was given meant anything to her. I was stunned when she said it did and that after 54 years she guessed she should tell me about my father. Whoa.

Dear old Dad was a vocational agriculture teacher at the time I was conceived and went on to become a county extension agent. He had 4 or 5 siblings and has always lived in Mom's hometown...not far from my grandparents' home where I spent much of my childhood. He's still alive and about 81 years old. Obviously, he had at least one other child. 

My son asked me if I wanted to meet these people. I don't know. I'm curious, of course, but I also doubt the cousins or even their parents know of my existence. I don't want to throw their lives into turmoil. As for my father....he definitely knew about me. He paid the hospital bill when I was born, but has never asked about me once in 54 years. I'd say he made it pretty clear he didn't want me. I'm not sure I want to ever meet him. I'm not sure I can handle meeting him...at least not without saying some things I'd regret. And then there is that little devil on my shoulder saying he deserves to be exposed to his family as the jerk he was. There is also the fear that they do know (I'd imagine his siblings must) and they also rejected me.

My mind is reeling. I always knew I had relatives out there, but it was in a kind of nebulous, fairy tale kind of way. It just got real. I have aunts and uncles, siblings, nieces and/or nephews. One uncle passed away a couple of years ago so there is no chance I will ever know him.  

I've been searching the internet ever since hoping to find pictures. I just want to see him and know, do I look like him or any of the family? I can only find a picture of the one who died. Maybe there are some resemblances. Maybe. The rest of the siblings appear to be old enough that they don't have a presence on the web.

If anything comes of this, I'll let you know. Oh, and I guess there really shouldn't be any doubt about the accuracy of those DNA tests.